Kids and Christmas Shopping: Ho, Ho, Ho or No, No, No?

November 21, 2002

It's that time of year again: jostling with the mall mob for holiday gifts. For the inveterate shopper, that's a piece of cake. But fighting the good fight with kids in tow? That's another matter.

"Mommy, I want to go to the toy store. Mommy, I'm tired. Mommy, I'm bored." How can you balance your children's needs and your need to get the perfect gifts for Uncle Larry and Aunt Zelda?

There are ways you can keep your sanity and score some super bargains at the same time. Melissa Hakman, a visiting assistant professor of psychology at the University of Richmond, is a clinical psychologist specializing in children. The key is knowing your children, she says.

"If you know your child can't behave, why take him or her?" Hakman says. "Don't set yourself up for failure. But if your child responds to reinforcements, short shopping sprees are fine."

Short is the key word. The younger the child, the shorter the spree, Hakman says. Know your child's limits. Hint: "Three hours is not a short spree."

The rules for good parenting in general apply to parenting while shopping, Hakman says. "I tell all the parents I work with to be consistent. I know that's easier said than done. But make it clear what you expect": "We're going shopping for a present for Grandma." "I don't want you running ahead of me in the mall." "Hold my hand." "No screaming."

Speaking of screaming, Hakman's view is that parents shouldn't scream either. "Screaming doesn't help. Children are not any more likely to stop misbehaving when you yell than when you talk calmly."

Once you've made it clear what you expect, Hakman says, you should consistently make good on what you've told your children the consequences will be for bad behavior: time out, loss of a privilege, loss of going to McDonald's. "Stick to your guns."

Just as important is developing a system of rewards for good behavior. Rewards can be verbal: "I really appreciate how you stayed close to Mommy while we were in that store," to tangible: "tokens every time you catch them being good" to be exchanged for a reward later.

Some other tips:

Bring along something to occupy your child if you know you're going to be in lines or you have to stay longer than the child's limits can comfortably bear: coloring books, a small toy, a travel game.
Enlist the child's help in picking out a present for a close relative or friend. Make it fun.
Pack a snack A hungry child can be an irritable child.
Make certain the child is safe. Keep him or her by your side. Use a Velcro safety line for smaller children.
Find innovative stores at which you can leave your children with adults who help them pick out presents for Mom and Dad. Leave them at kids' areas only if they're supervised by adults.

What about that visit to Store Santa? If they enjoy it, great, says Hakman. If they're afraid, get them to watch Mom, Dad or other kids interacting with Santa. If they're still frightened, just wait until next year. "Don't force it. Ask yourself if it's more of an issue for Mom and Dad than it is for the child."